New to swinging? Start here.

Most people’s first step into the lifestyle is smaller than they expect: a long talk at home, a profile, then a drink with a couple who’ve done it before.

First time swingers often imagine they’ll be thrown in at the deep end. In reality the UK scene is friendly, a bit old-fashioned about manners, and very used to newcomers. Nobody expects you to know the etiquette, and most experienced swingers remember their own nerves well enough to go easy on you. Take it one step at a time. Join, read a few profiles, chat with people who seem like your sort, and only move on to a meet when you both feel ready. If it never goes further than flirting, that’s a perfectly good way to enjoy it too.

How to start swinging as a couple

Start with each other. Talk about what draws you to it, what you’d like to try first, and what’s firmly off the table, then build a couple profile that says so plainly. Most couples begin by chatting to one or two others online for a week or so before suggesting a drink. Pick people who seem relaxed and kind rather than the most glamorous, because a good first experience matters more than an exciting one. After any meet, compare notes honestly before you plan the next.

Soft swap, full swap and other words you’ll see

Profiles use a shorthand that’s easy once you know it. Soft swap usually means kissing and touching but not full sex with other people; full swap means everything is on the table. Same room means you both stay together, while separate room means you’re happy to split up. A unicorn is a single woman who meets couples, a bull is a single man a couple invites in, and vanilla just means anyone outside the lifestyle. If a profile uses a term you’re not sure of, ask: nobody minds.

What to wear on your first night

For a social, think smart night out: something you feel good in, nothing you’d have to explain to the neighbours. Clubs are different. Many have a dress code, and on lingerie nights women often wear underwear, stockings or something sheer, while men keep it simple in a shirt and dark trousers or smart boxer shorts. Most clubs have changing rooms and lockers, so you can arrive in normal clothes. Check the club’s own rules before you go, because a polite turn-away at the door is a dull end to a big night.

Swinging means couples, and some singles, getting intimate or simply sociable with other people, openly and with every partner’s agreement.

It isn’t one thing. For some couples it means flirting at a club and going home to each other. For others it’s a regular friendship with another couple, or a single woman they see now and again. You decide how far it goes, and you can change your mind.

Talk before you look

Before either of you opens a profile, sit down and talk about why you’re interested, what you’d both enjoy, and what you definitely wouldn’t. Our guide for couples lists the five things worth agreeing.

Socials are the gentle way in

A social is a get-together where people chat and have a drink, with no expectation of anything else. It’s the least daunting first step in the UK scene, and a quick way to find out whether you like the people.

Clubs come later, if at all

Clubs vary a lot. Some are bars with a dance floor; others have private rooms and play on the night. Check the dress code and whether it’s a couples-only night before you go, and arrive early, when it’s quieter.

Singles have a place too

Single women are welcome almost everywhere and are often the most sought-after people in the room. Single men are welcome where a couple or a club invites them; our page for single men explains how that works.